Understanding the Complexities of Estrangement and the Necessity to Heal

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Understanding the Complexities of Estrangement and The Necessity to Heal.

A new year marks a time for reflection and renewal—a chance to shed old habits, set boundaries, and embrace the life you want. For many, this process means cutting ties with relationships that no longer serve them, even if those relationships are with family. This process is estrangement.

Estrangement: is the emotional or physical distancing between once-close individuals. It is a personal decision that is complex, misunderstood, and stigmatized. It often arises from unresolved conflicts, divergent values, or toxic dynamics. While estrangement can involve family relationships, it may also extend to friendships, romantic partnerships, or community bonds.

Though estrangement can feel like a last resort. For many, it is a necessary act of self-preservation. The process of becoming estranged is rarely easy. It brings a mix of emotions:

• relief

• guilt

• grief

Often, people wrestle with the idea that people or situations can change and become less toxic.

Estrangement and Black Communities

For Black women, it comes with the added weight of cultural expectations, generational trauma, and systemic inequities. Estranging from families are discourage in our social circles. Black communities have historically relied on family for resilience against systemic challenges. This dynamic makes the idea of separating from family hard. Separation means a loss of support that is heavily relied upon in Black families. When estrangement is necessary, it can help break cycles of harm. Estrangement can foster space to thrive. While estrangement is not an easy decision, it is often a positive step toward empowerment. A study by Smith et al. (2022) on Family Relations found that individuals who separated from toxic families reported higher levels of life satisfaction, reduced stress, and increased personal growth after two years of estrangement.

By understanding estrangement, Black women can challenge generational trauma and redefine what family and community mean. Healing does not always come through reconciliation. Sometimes, it comes through creating distance, finding safety, and building relationships that reflect love and respect.

Understanding The Benefits of Estrangement in Escaping Toxicity

Toxic family environments do not just create stress; they can stunt personal growth, damage self-esteem, and prevent individuals from reaching their full potential. The effects are often subtle, manifesting over time as:

• Lack of Self-Worth: Constant criticism or neglect can make you question your value, leading to self-doubt and low confidence.

• Suppressed Ambitions: Toxic family dynamics can discourage dreams or foster a mindset of fear and inadequacy, keeping you from pursuing opportunities.

• Self-Deprecation: When family members belittle your choices or identity, it’s easy to internalize that negativity, leading to patterns of self-sabotage.

• Emotional Exhaustion: The mental energy spent navigating toxic relationships leaves little room for self-care, creativity, or personal growth.

What Does Estrangement Tell Us About Black Families?

The breakdown of relationships in Black families affected by a mix of generational trauma, systemic pressures, and cultural norms. A study by Perry et al. (2022) on Family Process highlights that Black families face unique challenges, including racial discrimination, economic inequities, and societal expectations of strength that can hinder open communication and emotional vulnerability.

Estrangement Impact on Health

Research has shown that chronic exposure to toxic relationships can increase stress hormones like cortisol, which negatively impact mental and physical health (American Psychological Association, 2020). High cortisol levels contribute to:

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Impaired cognitive function

• Weakened immune system

• Increased blood pressure

• Weight gain

• Difficult sleeping

• Digestive issues

• Risk of cardiovascular disease

Over time, this environment can erode one’s mental /physical health, prevent recognizing healthy connections and relationships, and even limit the ability to pursue dreams.

Estrangement as a Path to Empowerment

For those in highly toxic families, estrangement can provide the freedom needed to rediscover yourself and build the life you’ve always wanted. By choosing to step away from harmful dynamics, you create space for:

• Rediscovering Self-Love: Without the weight of constant negativity, you can reconnect with your true self, affirm your worth and heal emotional wounds.

• Building Supportive Communities: Estrangement allows you to seek out people who uplift, encourage, and celebrate you—friends, mentors, or even “chosen family” who can focus on achieving cultivating your personal and professional goals with clarity and confidence.

• Emotional Stability: Estrangement can protect your mental health, allowing you to set boundaries and prioritize peace.

Deciding Estrangement?

Deciding whether to estrange from family is one of the most difficult choices a person can make. It is crucial to distinguish between a challenging relationship and one that is outright harmful. According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Carr et al., 2023), toxic family dynamics are: repeated emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, neglect, manipulation, or lack of respect for boundaries.

However, unspoken trauma and cultural stigmas around therapy or conflict resolution often prevents families from addressing underlying issues that lead to estrangement. Here are some questions to help consider whether estrangement may be necessary in your situation.

• Are you constantly walking on eggshells around certain family members?

• Have you experienced consistent emotional or physical harm?

• Do interactions with this person damage your self-esteem or mental health?

• Have you attempted to communicate or set boundaries, only for those efforts to be ignored or dismissed?

After reflecting on your personal situation you can take this quick assessment, resulting in a score to help assess the possible level your family or situation toxicity may currently be.

*Please note these suggestions are only suggestions and the writer is not liable for any decision you determine. This is only an opportunity to gain insight in options that may be available to you and to support you in your situation. Most importantly, I encourage you to have a relationship with Christ! With Christ you are more than an overcomer. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that God does not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.

1. Do you feel emotionally drained after spending time with a specific family member?

2. Has this person consistently ignored your boundaries?

3. Have they used manipulation or guilt to control your decisions?

4. Do you feel unsupported or invalidated when sharing your emotions with them?

5. Have tried gaining a resolution but communication failed repeatedly?

Scoring:

• 0-2 “Yes” Answers: Your relationship may have challenges, but open communication and boundaries could help.

• 3-4 “Yes” Answers: Consider seeking professional guidance to navigate this relationship.

• 5+ “Yes” Answers: Estrangement might be necessary for your emotional and physical safety.

I have listed options that you can explore at your own consideration to help you gain further support based on the scoring you have received listed below. Feel free to jump to the sections that speaks to your scoring.

If you score (0-2 “Yes” Answers); then consider the first initial steps listed below:

1. Set up Boundaries Gradually: Before cutting ties completely, communicate your boundaries. Seek Christ for wisdom and insight on establishing boundaries.

2. Create a Support System: Estrangement can feel isolating, so surround yourself with friends, mentors, or community groups who uplift you. A community in Christ can do more than support you, it can sharpen you, nurture you, give you correction and insight that is unmatched.

3. Set Clear Communication Guidelines: If estrangement is temporary, clarify your intentions: “I need time away to heal, but I hope we can revisit our relationship in the future.”I encouarge you to seek Christ in what relationships you should or should not revisit.

If you scored (3 to 5 + “Yes” Answers ); then consider seeking resources and professional resources to support you further. I have listed some choices for you to explore below to help point you in a safer direction.

1. Seek Professional Support: A licensed therapist can help you navigate the emotional complexities of estrangement. Therapists trained in family dynamics and trauma, such as those certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy, can offer tailored guidance (American Psychological Association, 2020).

2. Use Resources: I want to highlight that the Black community has a long history of resilience, relying on collective strength to weather adversity. Consider programs that offer mental health support tailored to diverse communities on aiding and supporting families.

Practical Programs that are within New York City Are:

1. Harlem Children’s Zone (New York): Provides parenting workshops, after-school programs, and community resources to strengthen family bonds.

2. National Black Family Summit: Offers resources to address intergenerational trauma and promote healthy family relationships.

3. NYC Well: A free mental health hotline that connects New Yorkers to counseling and family support services.

These programs emphasize education, mental health support, and conflict resolution to break cycles of harm and rebuild trust. Families serve as the foundation for emotional support, financial stability, and cultural continuity. When those bonds break down, the community experiences higher rates of poverty, mental health challenges, and weakened social cohesion (National Bureau of Economic Research, 2021). Healing Black families not only strengthens individual households but uplifts entire neighborhoods, fostering a sense of collective empowerment and resilience.

At CROWNED, the complexities of estrangement, grappling with loss, losing support, needing resources, is understandable. I have created a class to help nurture you through estrangement that you can use along with therapeutic services or community resources. Academy at CROWNED offers added support to get you from estrangement to empowerment.

Take the Next Step:

Estrangement is not the end—it is a crossroads. If you are ready to move from pain to healing, my upcoming class, Estrangement to Empowerment: How to Rewrite Your Story with Christ offers:

• Ways to understand and deal with loneliness vs. solitude

• Reflecting, healing and recovery

• Identify and Release Emotional triggers

• Overcoming and Inner Strength

• Rewriting your Story

• Plus, freebies, resources, interactive lessons, community and so much more!

Let 2025 be the year you reclaim your peace, embrace your story and invest in your healing. As we begin the new year, let us commit to healing, whether that means reconciliation or redefining family on our terms with Christ. Sign up today for the upcoming class information waitlist at ACADEMY AT CROWNED.

Your story matters.

Your peace matters.

XOXOXO S.Rogers